Today was one of those days where I felt mostly useless. I have so many things that I need to do. So many more that I want to do. And a lot of things that I have to do. And I'm not one of those people who can just say, "eff it" and let half the things go. I did make it to the gym today...and I realized that fitness is one of the things that I've been seriously letting slide. And I'm at an age where I can't afford the same kind of slips that might've worked out okay in my twenties, if you get my drift. When you show up at the gym and the little check in machine says loudly, "check status" and the fourteen year old boy behind the desk flags you down to announce that the computer says it's been 39 days since your last visit...well, that's not good, folks. (seriously, what the hell kind of tracking system is that, anyway? Why do they need to know how often I show up as long as I'm paid? I think it's some kind of plot to embarrass lazy asshats like me.) ANYWAY, I did get there today. And that was good. And then the rest of the day was moderately crappy.
My house is a disaster. I have a half-finished (okay, that's optimistic... 1/3 finished) book that I must complete in the next two weeks to get shined up pretty and submitted by the 31st of January... Not to mention another secret something going on that I'm super excited about but not at liberty to mention just yet... but that will require some editing, no doubt... And something new is brewing... and there'll need to be another wine country book this spring...
And then there's work. My "flexible" job is not super flexible lately, and I'm in the unenviable position of being the PTA board member who never goes to anything, always says "no" to helping and hardly ever volunteers at school. I can barely manage to get home for the bus to get here. Ahh, work.
And when work is done, I get to chase after my little boys who literally appear to live just to make messes for me to clean up. I know that they are learning and growing, and I do see some progress from time to time... But...shit. The laundry. The floors. The dishes. Shit.
And I'm wanking completely, and I know that. I'm not alone in this. We all have our shit to shovel. And my mom would tell me to choose the things that are most important and let the others go. And I've tried. But what I realize is that I cannot do that. To me, they all look important. And maybe when I'm in my last moments I might realize that less laundry wouldn't have been a bad thing, but right now? I need to get all the things done. I just do.
So I ask you...am I the only one trying to have it all and somehow feeling that it is actually possible? Yeah, I'm pissed. And yes, I'm tired. But I don't think it's impossible.
How do you manage to keep the balls in the air? How do you balance what's important to YOU with what's important?